When It Rains, It Pours

My life isn't all rainbows and unicorns from what you see on this blog, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I only like to post the positive things happening but you know what, life is life and real shiz can happen.

I've been leaning on other bloggers the last few days that have gone through the same thing. Not to make me feel better, because what happened is tragic. But to make me feel not alone.

I'm nervous to share because it's personal but I want to help others in anyway possible like other bloggers have helped me. This is a pain that can make you feel so alone and I'm grateful to have my husband to grieve with me but others may literally be alone in this... I'm not looking for attention, this is not the attention I want. But there was a life inside of me that passed away and I have every right to mourn and miss my unborn child.

2/17/2015: I'm Pregnant!!! I just found out about 40 minutes ago.

 To preface..... I took a test on Valentine's Day. The day I was expected to start. ClearBlue said it would be 99% accurate so I gave it a shot. It came back negative. I was pretty crushed... So then I had one last hope I would be late. So I was late one day, then turned to two and then turned to four days late! I was still in denial that I was late due to stress and blah blah... but yesterday I woke up super nauseated and gagging over the toilet the majority of the day. I had D give me a blessing that the nausea would go away that night so I would be able to sleep and it literally went away as he was giving the blessing. It was amazing!

I woke up still not nauseous but decided to go to Walgreens even though it was a "snow day" here in VA (6 inches of snow) and got a couple more tests. I didn't take the test as soon as we got back because I didn't have to pee. So I waited a couple hours and decided to take the test. I set it on the counter and told D he can watch it but I wasn't going to.

So I went back to the couch and watch "Let's Make A Deal" and a few minutes later I hear a "WooHOOO! Jordan, Jordan!" I said, "what? Are you serious? You're joking?!" And then I started to cry. Happy tears of course! I'm still in shock. And probably will be for a while...

That's what y'all would've read in May, along with a cute video of reactions and some photos, when we would finally announce my pregnancy to the world. 

But now my world has been turned upside down yet again. I have miscarried. Our baby died.

6 weeks along and we had already loved our baby like we never knew was possible. All the excitement and talk and wondering about our tiny little human. The start of our family is now gone. To say we are sad is the understatement of the year. We are crushed and extremely heartbroken.

We felt so lucky and incredibly thankful to get pregnant so fast as soon as we start "trying."

We called our immediate family and friends and told them the exciting news but also swore them to secrecy just in case THIS happened...

It started on Wednesday. I didn't have work until later that day but something just felt off. I don't know if it was "Mother's Intuition" but I just didn't "feel" pregnant like I had before. My breasts were still sore and all that but I just knew something was off.

Later that night I thought I had started spotting but I wasn't 100% sure.

The next day I confirmed spotting. Google became my best friend and everyone said spotting is normal. But on Friday it started getting worse. False hope is the devil. I didn't want to think about the fact I could be losing this baby.

Saturday is when my world fell apart. I was having extremely achy pains in my lower back and pelvic area all day. Later in the after noon, IT happened. D came into the bathroom and saw what I saw and we both started sobbing. It was the worst emotional pain I've experienced in my entire life. Our baby died. There was no need to call the doctor or anything. We just knew. The rest of the day I don't really remember except for staring at nothing and crying on and off.

As soon as we had confirmed it a miscarriage, I deleted all my apps and "bump" photos. Deleted my secret pinterest boards and anything baby. I've tried to stay away from social media because anything baby that comes up on my newsfeed, my stomach turns.

I finally felt like my life purpose was being fulfilled. I don't have a specific college degree. I don't have a career field. I want my career to be a mommy and that has been taken away from me right now. It's a struggle to put into words the defeat I'm feeling.

Dealing with my parents separation, then divorce, then my dad's fast engagement and marriage soon after the divorce, and now this miscarriage... it's all way to much to handle. Oh, I also have to put my dog down when I get back to Alaska next month. When it rains... it really does pour.

It's only been a few days and I hate to say I'm starting to feel "better" because I'm not better. I'm just going through the motions, a bit zombie like. 

 I'm always going to be wondering what if. In a few weeks I know I'll be thinking, I would've been this many weeks today. When October rolls around, I know I'll be thinking, I would've been having a baby this month. It'll bring back a whole new wave of emotions and pain. I just have to take it one step at a time.

Our family and friends have been really supportive and comforting but nothing can take the pain away.

If the past 2 years of grief and pain has taught me anything, is that I'm one hell of a strong woman.

I'm trying my best to trust in God and trust that He knows what I can handle. I'm thankful I have such a wonderful marriage and a loving husband to grieve with and go through these trials with.

I know I will be okay someday, just not right now.