Never in my life did I imagine us going through one miscarriage, let alone two in a row.
This summer was beyond emotional. It was soul crushing and traumatic.
So when that time came we started trying and again, within the first month of trying I got pregnant.
I took a test June 5th and hopped in the shower while Dallan stared at it. I couldn't even look at it (I did this both times I was pregnant!) The positive sign showed up and Dallan was so excited! I was excited too but mostly hesitant. I didn't document an pictures besides the one below.
We waited until I was further along than the last time to tell our families. I was hesitant to tell anyone but I knew in my heart I would need all the support I could get if a miscarriage were to happen again.
Next came making an appointment. I didn't get this far last time. I had my first appointment June 8th or so. I got my blood drawn, had the OB intake and all that good stuff. My levels were all where they were supposed to be. We were super happy about that.
During those few weeks leading up to my first ultrasound, I was feeling very pregnant. Felt nauseous all day, bloated, sore breasts the whole nine yards. I didn't complain about any of this because I knew it was a good sign. I was just thankful to be pregnant!
Then comes July 3rd. My first ultrasound, we were going to see our baby! My anxiety levels were through the roof. I bawled my eyes out before we even left to go to the appointment. Nervous was an understatement. Dallan stayed positive because I hadn't had any signs of a miscarriage and everything seemed normal. I was setting myself up for the worst because of the last time.
As we go into the ultrasound room, we meet our CNM and talk as she gets the ultra sound set up. Since I was supposed to be around 8-9 weeks they did a vaginal ultrasound. I had looked up other ultrasounds online so I knew what it was supposed to look like. Mine didn't look like what I've seen online. They told me I was only measuring 7 weeks (by the dates I should've been around 9 weeks). She asked if I was exactly sure about the dates. I was 100% positive my dates were right. She looked some more and got really quiet. She told me there was no baby, only the gestational sac and that she could see blood starting to form. It's what's called a Blighted Ovum. Our worst nightmare came to life again. I was going to miscarry.
From that point on I was numb and holding back tears. She did an abdominal ultrasound just to see if there was a mistake. I remember them talking about the options. 1. Wait for it to pass naturally. 2. Take Misoprostol to induce the miscarriage. Or 3. Have a D&C surgery. We could barely think let alone breath but we ended up deciding to wait for it to pass naturally and to call in a week if it didn't happen. Then we would go in and talk about the other options. They let us go out the back to not face the others in the waiting room, which was really considerate of them.
That weekend was a blur. It was 4th of July weekend and I was in denial and shock. My body failed me.
After the weekend of waiting, I went to our family doctor to get my blood drawn to check my HCG levels for the "just in case they were wrong" factor. I should've been measuring 9-10 weeks at this point but my levels were still at the 7 week mark. So I ended up making another appointment with the OB for that week same week (around July 10th at this point). We go in and she starts talking about my options. I wanted to avoid surgery at all cost. We decided to take the pills home with us so we wouldn't have to go in again to get them and wait one more week to see if my body will miscarry naturally.
So during another week of waiting we decided to give acupuncture a shot. Acupuncture is known to induce labor so I figured why not try it. I had I think 5 sessions. After each sessions I felt major cramping in my lower back. The same cramping I had with the first miscarriage. But alas, my body failed me again and didn't take the acupuncture.
So next was to take the misoprostol. I googled what I would need, heating pad, prescription pain killer, LOTS of girl things, movies, a notepad to document everything, etc.
July 22nd: D and I took the day off work (I would obviously not be working that week). I took the medicine as instructed around 9 AM and laid down for a good hour to let the medicine dissolve. According to the doctor, I would feel cramping and I would be spotting within a couple hours. Well I didn't... I used the restroom and the 3 of the 4 pills came out. So that means only 1 of the 4 pills actually dissolved in my body. Which also means it wasn't going to work. In denial I decided to wait another couple of hours before calling the nurse line at my OB's office.
My sweet friend left these treats at my doorstep that morning
After waiting hours with only light spotting, we decided to call the nurses. I told them everything that happened and was told my body didn't get the full dose. So they had another script to try it again but this time take it orally. I had to wait another full day to take the medicine, so we just hung out at the house "just in case" the medicine I had taken decided to work.. It didn't. Talk about an emotionally draining day..
July 23rd: I was prescribed a high dose for round 2 of the meds. I was prescribed to take 4 pills every 6 hours up to 3 times until I started bleed. If I bled with one dose, great, but if not keep taking the doses. I took the first dose with some lunch. 40 minutes later, I felt like I was going to puke, and it all came up. But I still had to wait 6 hours to take it. So I took two more doses with saltines, coke, and gatorade and lounged all day and night. Again.. Nothing happened. We were frustrated and distraught to say the least.
July 24th: I called the doctor that morning to try to get in to be seen but no luck. I didn't know what to do and I couldn't handle the emotions anymore. I just wanted it to be done and over with! So we headed to the ER in hopes of them doing a D&C that day. We got there and only waited 20 minutes to be called back. They set up an IV just in case a surgery would happen, drew my blood to check my HCG levels, and did an ultrasound. My numbers came back at only 30K vs a couple weeks prior my numbers were at 127K. So yes, they dropped, yes the ultrasound showed no living baby, yes I was miscarrying. I plead with the doctor to take me in for surgery but he wouldn't. Yay us...
Later that day we finally get a call back from my OB and have a check up on the 27th.
July 27th: We go in for the appointment and immediately ask for the surgery. She could tell I was emotionally done. So she told us good news and told us I could have the surgery the next day (28th). We were so relieved and nervous. I hate having surgery, I don't wake up well to anesthesia, I throw up every time I wake up.. But it needed to get done. D's brother was coming into down a week later and we had our San Francisco trip the week after that. We pushed it a little too close..
July 28th: I had to be in the hospital really early in the morning. I don't remember exactly what time it was all such a blur. They had me in pre-op for about an hour before they took me back. I remember talking to the doctor and nurses in the surgical room. I remember them putting my mask on. I about freaked out because I'm claustrophobic but after two deep breaths the next thing I knew I was awake getting rolled into the post-op area. I was in and out for about 40 minutes after the surgery (it takes me forever to wake from that stuff!), and telling this really nice male nurse that I was going to barf. Sure enough, I threw up. Poor guy. (Seriously, nurses are amazing!) I forget his name but he totally deserves a raise! Dallan came back to get me after I was more lucid. It was another 30 minutes after that when we were finally discharged.
The rest of the day I was to rest and take the pain killers if I was in pain (which I didn't take any pain killers! Go me!). But....I get antsy if I sit too long, so later that afternoon I made Dallan take me grocery shopping so that I could make mashed potatoes. New flash, you're not supposed to cook until 24 hours after having been under anesthesia. Oops! I didn't drive though!
I was pretty crampy. was bleeding and it hurt like HELL to pee for a day because of the catheter. That's what hurt the most that day. I would bite down on my shirt when I had to pee so I wouldn't yell too loud... The doctor and nurses told me that I will only bleed for about 2 weeks or so but it just depends on the person. Well, because I'm apparently an anomaly statistically, I bled for over a month. I was on strict pelvic rest for 4 weeks so I couldn't exercise or anything. It was even a stretch for me to go to the cabin with my Brother in law when he came to visit.. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have gone... I was so sore after that trip.
I finally started feeling like myself again physically in early September. This miscarriage was by far more traumatic and draining then my first one. So much waiting and anticipation. It was all to much to handle. I learned so much about myself and my marriage going through this. It's amazing how each pregnancy can be so vastly different.
For those who made it through this post, I applaud you. It's a bit gory and graphic, but it's real. This is life. Unpredictable, and totally in God's hands.
