1. Expect to feel alone. You will feel so utterly alone because most people don't talk about their miscarriages so it's as though you're the only one going through this. I don't know why this is such a taboo topic in society because approximately 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage. 25%! That's a big chunk. It's awful having gone through two and not feeling like you can openly talk about it. Try to find a healthy outlet. Journal, blog, talk to your husband, anything that won't make you go down too dark of a path. I found myself googling for bloggers or You-tubers who've shared their stories. It didn't take the pain away but it helped make me not feel so isolated.
2. Expect to be depressed. You will get depressed and you will be sad. I felt SO NUMB and in a fog for a good couple of months. And even now 3 months since being diagnosed with a second miscarriage, and 2 months since the miscarriage happened, I still get so sad. Don't be afraid of this but at the same time, make sure you are TALKING! Let your feelings out, let someone know you're depressed. It will help you in the long run even if it is embarrassing and out of character for you.
3. Expect to hate your body. Your body has failed you. Your hormones will be out of whack for a while. Your body is adjusting back to it's normal state so expect NOTHING to be normal about how your body will decide to get back to it's norm.
4. Expect to cry at every pregnancy announcement on social media. Yes, I have cried every. single. time. The first few I bawled my eyes out, the others I've shed some tears and was depressed the rest of the day. You're not crying because you hate those people. You are really, truly, happy for them, but you will be jealous and that is totally okay! You will ask yourself, "why can't that be me?" And it's okay to feel Jealous. I still get jealous and probably will be until I have a successful pregnancy.
5. Expect for your spouse to feel all the same things you're feeling. Please oh please! Try your hardest to realize your spouse or boyfriend are feeling the same things emotionally as you are. In fact, they may be even more stressed because they're more worried about you then you even realize. They know you are going through more then them because of all the physical stuff. So please try your best to be gentle with them. Their hearts are hurting too.
6. Expect to get your feelings hurt even when people mean well. People will say the craziest things because well, they don't know what to say. Be prepared to be so offended that you'll get angry and cry later. Just take it with a grain of salt. Especially this one, "I'm so sorry! The timing must not have been right." That one was THE WORST for me. Oh! And this one, "Well, You'll have kids someday! I just know it." Okay, really?! How do you REALLY know?... Just remember after the anger goes away that they really mean well. They just don't know what to say. PSA for those who are reading this... JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY AND THAT YOU'RE PRAYING FOR THEM. with a great big hug. That alone will keep the emotions at bay for the one suffering.
7. Expect to be mad at God for two seconds. If you're religious, you will feel angry at God for a time. I struggled with this during my first miscarriage and pulled away. But when my second one happened I found myself pulling towards Him. Yes, I still was angry at Him for a good minute or two, but I know He knows what's best for me. Just try and trust in God when you come to your senses. He knows you, He knows what you can handle, and He loves you so much! Remember that.
8. Expect to make rash decisions in the heat of depression. You will make rash decisions. You will go out and just do your own thing because why the hell not! You won't have a care in the world when it seems like your world is crashing down around you. Luckily for me, I have an amazing husband who would talk me out of silly rash decisions. (Tattoo, dying my hair, chopping my hair, stuff like that). Try not to do anything you'll regret.
9. Expect some retail therapy. Oh boy, you will, like mentioned above, not have a care in the world and will spend some cash. For us it was our last minute Disneyland excursion during our San Fran trip plus some other things. It may help in the short term spectrum and you will feel better for two seconds... BUT....
10. Except that retail therapy will not heal you. I had it in my head that Disneyland would make me go back to myself. It would magically heal me, because after all, it is The Happiest Place on Earth... unless you just lost your baby and are surrounded by little ones. May not have been the best move... I came back from the trip still feeling blah and down because it didn't heal my depression. I wish I would've known that before hand. So there's that..
11. Expect to unconsciously avoid babies, and bellies. Once you have baby fever, you can't help but notice all the pregnant women who surround you. This gets 100 times worse when you miscarry. You not only notice the pregnant moms, but you notice the babies and toddlers more too. You will be constantly watching them at the store or wherever even when you don't realize you're watching them. But at the same time, when you see a pregnant woman in the store, you will subconsciously go down a different aisle to avoid them. Even close friends and family you will unconsciously avoid and it's okay.
12. Expect to not trust your doctors. You will be mad at your doctors. They will be the worst person on the planet even though they did nothing wrong. If/when the procedure or meds don't work to induce the miscarriage, you'll lose complete trust of the medical world. Especially when you go in if you get pregnant again, you'll expect the worse from them. But really, it's not them, it's you.
13. Expect to be afraid to try again. You will be TERRIFIED to try to get pregnant again after having a miscarriage. Both you and your spouse will be on edge. Make sure you BOTH are mentally and physically ready to try again. This is key. Don't make a rash decision *see #8* and try again when you aren't emotionally ready. It's okay to let yourself heal. Just try to think as positive as possible when that time comes, but at the same time... don't be too optimistic just in case it happens again.
14. Expect to look into adoption. I've ALWAYS since I was little, wanted to adopt a child. This became more rampant after experiencing a second miscarriage. I even found agencies that aren't too outrageously priced. But just know that you will most likely research in depth this option and more then likely it will stay in the back of your mind.
15. Expect to think about your angel baby at LEAST once a day if not more. Since babies seem to be everywhere, you will be constantly thinking about your "would've been" 8 month baby bump, or your due date and more. Every time you look at your spouse you'll wonder if they'll have their hair or eyes. You'll wonder what they would've looked like and if it was even a boy or a girl. Especially when the Holidays are around...you'll be thinking about what their first Halloween costume would've been or what kind of first baby ornament you would buy for them. That's just the mother in you. It's okay to think about your angel baby.
16. Expect Mother's Day to be the second worst day ever. Of any holiday after a miscarriage, this one is by far the worst. I had my first Mother's Day after miscarrying this year and it was awful. You will put a strained smile on your face if you go out. You will cry. Some family and friends that know your situation will probably text you telling you Happy Mother's Day though. Such a sweet gesture but it will make you cry more.
17. Expect yourself to change, grow, and become stronger. After however long it takes you to grieve and accept what happened, you'll notice how you've changed. You suddenly love every single child and baby you come across even just by one glance at the child.You will realize you now have a mother heart even though your baby isn't physically there. You will realize that you've matured even more. #oldsoulforlife You will hold your head up a little high because you now know that you can overcome really really hard trials. You will become more confident in yourself and your relationship with your spouse will become even stronger than before.
16. Expect Mother's Day to be the second worst day ever. Of any holiday after a miscarriage, this one is by far the worst. I had my first Mother's Day after miscarrying this year and it was awful. You will put a strained smile on your face if you go out. You will cry. Some family and friends that know your situation will probably text you telling you Happy Mother's Day though. Such a sweet gesture but it will make you cry more.
17. Expect yourself to change, grow, and become stronger. After however long it takes you to grieve and accept what happened, you'll notice how you've changed. You suddenly love every single child and baby you come across even just by one glance at the child.You will realize you now have a mother heart even though your baby isn't physically there. You will realize that you've matured even more. #oldsoulforlife You will hold your head up a little high because you now know that you can overcome really really hard trials. You will become more confident in yourself and your relationship with your spouse will become even stronger than before.
This month is Infant & Pregnancy loss awareness month. Please take the time this month to send extra prayers for those suffering!
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