What to Expect (Emotionally) When You Have a Miscarriage

This month is probably going to be hard for me.... I would've been having a baby this month. Since I'm relieving some of the emotions again...I figured I may as well give you an insight on what you may feel if you happen to experience this awful fate.

1. Expect to feel alone. You will feel so utterly alone because most people don't talk about their miscarriages so it's as though you're the only one going through this. I don't know why this is such a taboo topic in society because approximately 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage. 25%! That's a big chunk. It's awful having gone through two and not feeling like you can openly talk about it. Try to find a healthy outlet. Journal, blog, talk to your husband, anything that won't make you go down too dark of a path. I found myself googling for bloggers or You-tubers who've shared their stories. It didn't take the pain away but it helped make me not feel so isolated.

2. Expect to be depressed. You will get depressed and you will be sad. I felt SO NUMB and in a fog for a good couple of months. And even now 3 months since being diagnosed with a second miscarriage, and 2 months since the miscarriage happened, I still get so sad. Don't be afraid of this but at the same time, make sure you are TALKING! Let your feelings out, let someone know you're depressed. It will help you in the long run even if it is embarrassing and out of character for you.

3. Expect to hate your body. Your body has failed you. Your hormones will be out of whack for a while. Your body is adjusting back to it's normal state so expect NOTHING to be normal about how your body will decide to get back to it's norm. 

4. Expect to cry at every pregnancy announcement on social media. Yes, I have cried every. single. time. The first few I bawled my eyes out, the others I've shed some tears and was depressed the rest of the day. You're not crying because you hate those people. You are really, truly, happy for them, but you will be jealous and that is totally okay! You will ask yourself, "why can't that be me?" And it's okay to feel Jealous. I still get jealous and probably will be until I have a successful pregnancy.

5. Expect for your spouse to feel all the same things you're feeling. Please oh please! Try your hardest to realize your spouse or boyfriend are feeling the same things emotionally as you are. In fact, they may be even more stressed because they're more worried about you then you even realize. They know you are going through more then them because of all the physical stuff. So please try your best to be gentle with them. Their hearts are hurting too.

6. Expect to get your feelings hurt even when people mean well. People will say the craziest things because well, they don't know what to say. Be prepared to be so offended that you'll get angry and cry later. Just take it with a grain of salt. Especially this one, "I'm so sorry! The timing must not have been right." That one was THE WORST for me. Oh! And this one, "Well, You'll have kids someday! I just know it." Okay, really?! How do you REALLY know?... Just remember after the anger goes away that they really mean well. They just don't know what to say. PSA for those who are reading this... JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY AND THAT YOU'RE PRAYING FOR THEM. with a great big hug. That alone will keep the emotions at bay for the one suffering.

7. Expect to be mad at God for two seconds. If you're religious, you will feel angry at God for a time. I struggled with this during my first miscarriage and pulled away. But when my second one happened I found myself pulling towards Him. Yes, I still was angry at Him for a good minute or two, but I know He knows what's best for me. Just try and trust in God when you come to your senses. He knows you, He knows what you can handle, and He loves you so much! Remember that. 

8.  Expect to make rash decisions in the heat of depression. You will make rash decisions. You will go out and just do your own thing because why the hell not! You won't have a care in the world when it seems like your world is crashing down around you. Luckily for me, I have an amazing husband who would talk me out of silly rash decisions. (Tattoo, dying my hair, chopping my hair, stuff like that). Try not to do anything you'll regret. 

9. Expect some retail therapy. Oh boy, you will, like mentioned above, not have a care in the world and will spend some cash. For us it was our last minute Disneyland excursion during our San Fran trip plus some other things. It may help in the short term spectrum and you will feel better for two seconds... BUT....

10. Except that retail therapy will not heal you. I had it in my head that Disneyland would make me go back to myself. It would magically heal me, because after all, it is The Happiest Place on Earth... unless you just lost your baby and are surrounded by little ones. May not have been the best move... I came back from the trip still feeling blah and down because it didn't heal my depression. I wish I would've known that before hand. So there's that..

11. Expect to unconsciously avoid babies, and bellies. Once you have baby fever, you can't help but notice all the pregnant women who surround you. This gets 100 times worse when you miscarry. You not only notice the pregnant moms, but you notice the babies and toddlers more too. You will be constantly watching them at the store or wherever even when you don't realize you're watching them. But at the same time, when you see a pregnant woman in the store, you will subconsciously go down a different aisle to avoid them. Even close friends and family you will unconsciously avoid and it's okay. 

12. Expect to not trust your doctors. You will be mad at your doctors. They will be the worst person on the planet even though they did nothing wrong. If/when the procedure or meds don't work to induce the miscarriage, you'll lose complete trust of the medical world. Especially when you go in if you get pregnant again, you'll expect the worse from them. But really, it's not them, it's you.

13. Expect to be afraid to try again. You will be TERRIFIED to try to get pregnant again after having a miscarriage. Both you and your spouse will be on edge. Make sure you BOTH are mentally and physically ready to try again. This is key. Don't make a rash decision *see #8* and try again when you aren't emotionally ready. It's okay to let yourself heal. Just try to think as positive as possible when that time comes, but at the same time... don't be too optimistic just in case it happens again. 

14. Expect to look into adoption. I've ALWAYS since I was little, wanted to adopt a child. This became more rampant after experiencing a second miscarriage. I even found agencies that aren't too outrageously priced. But just know that you will most likely research in depth this option and more then likely it will stay in the back of your mind.

15. Expect to think about your angel baby at LEAST once a day if not more. Since babies seem to be everywhere, you will be constantly thinking about your "would've been" 8 month baby bump, or your due date and more. Every time you look at your spouse you'll wonder if they'll have their hair or eyes. You'll wonder what they would've looked like and if it was even a boy or a girl. Especially when the Holidays are around...you'll be thinking about what their first Halloween costume would've been or what kind of first baby ornament you would buy for them. That's just the mother in you. It's okay to think about your angel baby.

16. Expect Mother's Day to be the second worst day ever. Of any holiday after a miscarriage, this one is by far the worst. I had my first Mother's Day after miscarrying this year and it was awful. You will put a strained smile on your face if you go out. You will cry. Some family and friends that know your situation will probably text you telling you Happy Mother's Day though. Such a sweet gesture but it will make you cry more.

17. Expect yourself to change, grow, and become stronger. After however long it takes you to grieve and accept what happened, you'll notice how you've changed. You suddenly love every single child and baby you come across even just by one glance at the child.You will realize you now have a mother heart even though your baby isn't physically there. You will realize that you've matured even more. #oldsoulforlife You will hold your head up a little high because you now know that you can overcome really really hard trials. You will become more confident in yourself and your relationship with your spouse will become even stronger than before.

This month is Infant & Pregnancy loss awareness month. Please take the time this month to send extra prayers for those suffering!

Experiencing a 2nd Miscarriage

Never in my life did I imagine us going through one miscarriage, let alone two in a row.

This summer was beyond emotional. It was soul crushing and traumatic.

After the first miscarriage we decided to wait until I had two normal cycles to start trying again. 

So when that time came we started trying and again, within the first month of trying I got pregnant.

I took a test June 5th and hopped in the shower while Dallan stared at it. I couldn't even look at it (I did this both times I was pregnant!) The positive sign showed up and Dallan was so excited! I was excited too but mostly hesitant. I didn't document an pictures besides the one below. 

We waited until I was further along than the last time to tell our families. I was hesitant to tell anyone but I knew in my heart I would need all the support I could get if a miscarriage were to happen again.

Next came making an appointment. I didn't get this far last time. I had my first appointment June 8th or so. I got my blood drawn, had the OB intake and all that good stuff. My levels were all where they were supposed to be. We were super happy about that.

During those few weeks leading up to my first ultrasound, I was feeling very pregnant. Felt nauseous all day, bloated, sore breasts the whole nine yards. I didn't complain about any of this because I knew it was a good sign. I was just thankful to be pregnant! 

Then comes July 3rd. My first ultrasound, we were going to see our baby! My anxiety levels were through the roof. I bawled my eyes out before we even left to go to the appointment. Nervous was an understatement. Dallan stayed positive because I hadn't had any signs of a miscarriage and everything seemed normal. I was setting myself up for the worst because of the last time.

As we go into the ultrasound room, we meet our CNM and talk as she gets the ultra sound set up. Since I was supposed to be around 8-9 weeks they did a vaginal ultrasound. I had looked up other ultrasounds online so I knew what it was supposed to look like. Mine didn't look like what I've seen online. They told me I was only measuring 7 weeks (by the dates I should've been around 9 weeks). She asked if I was exactly sure about the dates. I was 100% positive my dates were right. She looked some more and got really quiet. She told me there was no baby, only the gestational sac and that she could see blood starting to form. It's what's called a Blighted Ovum. Our worst nightmare came to life again. I was going to miscarry. 

From that point on I was numb and holding back tears. She did an abdominal ultrasound just to see if there was a mistake. I remember them talking about the options. 1. Wait for it to pass naturally. 2. Take Misoprostol to induce the miscarriage. Or 3. Have a D&C surgery. We could barely think let alone breath but we ended up deciding to wait for it to pass naturally and to call in a week if it didn't happen. Then we would go in and talk about the other options. They let us go out the back to not face the others in the waiting room, which was really considerate of them.

That weekend was a blur. It was 4th of July weekend and I was in denial and shock. My body failed me. 

After the weekend of waiting, I went to our family doctor to get my blood drawn to check my HCG levels for the "just in case they were wrong" factor. I should've been measuring 9-10 weeks at this point but my levels were still at the 7 week mark. So I ended up making another appointment with the OB for that week same week (around July 10th at this point). We go in and she starts talking about my options. I wanted to avoid surgery at all cost. We decided to take the pills home with us so we wouldn't have to go in again to get them and wait one more week to see if my body will miscarry naturally.

So during another week of waiting we decided to give acupuncture a shot. Acupuncture is known to induce labor so I figured why not try it. I had I think 5 sessions. After each sessions I felt major cramping in my lower back. The same cramping I had with the first miscarriage. But alas, my body failed me again and didn't take the acupuncture.

 So next was to take the misoprostol. I googled what I would need, heating pad, prescription pain killer, LOTS of girl things, movies, a notepad to document everything, etc.

 July 22nd: D and I took the day off work (I would obviously not be working that week). I took the medicine as instructed around 9 AM and laid down for a good hour to let the medicine dissolve. According to the doctor, I would feel cramping and I would be spotting within a couple hours. Well I didn't... I used the restroom and the 3 of the 4 pills came out. So that means only 1 of the 4 pills actually dissolved in my body. Which also means it wasn't going to work. In denial I decided to wait another couple of hours before calling the nurse line at my OB's office. 

 My sweet friend left these treats at my doorstep that morning 

After waiting hours with only light spotting, we decided to call the nurses. I told them everything that happened and was told my body didn't get the full dose. So they had another script to try it again but this time take it orally. I had to wait another full day to take the medicine, so we just hung out at the house "just in case" the medicine I had taken decided to work.. It didn't. Talk about an emotionally draining day..

July 23rd: I was prescribed a high dose for round 2 of the meds. I was prescribed to take 4 pills every 6 hours up to 3 times until I started bleed. If I bled with one dose, great, but if not keep taking the doses. I took the first dose with some lunch. 40 minutes later, I felt like I was going to puke, and it all came up. But I still had to wait 6 hours to take it. So I took two more doses with saltines, coke, and gatorade and lounged all day and night. Again.. Nothing happened. We were frustrated and distraught to say the least. 

July 24th: I called the doctor that morning to try to get in to be seen but no luck. I didn't know what to do and I couldn't handle the emotions anymore. I just wanted it to be done and over with! So we headed to the ER in hopes of them doing a D&C that day. We got there and only waited 20 minutes to be called back. They set up an IV just in case a surgery would happen, drew my blood to check my HCG levels, and did an ultrasound. My numbers came back at only 30K vs a couple weeks prior my numbers were at 127K. So yes, they dropped, yes the ultrasound showed no living baby, yes I was miscarrying. I plead with the doctor to take me in for surgery but he wouldn't. Yay us...

Later that day we finally get a call back from my OB and have a check up on the 27th.

July 27th: We go in for the appointment and immediately ask for the surgery. She could tell I was emotionally done. So she told us good news and told us I could have the surgery the next day (28th). We were so relieved and nervous. I hate having surgery, I don't wake up well to anesthesia, I throw up every time I wake up.. But it needed to get done. D's brother was coming into down a week later and we had our San Francisco trip the week after that. We pushed it a little too close..  

July 28th: I had to be in the hospital really early in the morning. I don't remember exactly what time it was all such a blur. They had me in pre-op for about an hour before they took me back. I remember talking to the doctor and nurses in the surgical room. I remember them putting my mask on. I about freaked out because I'm claustrophobic but after two deep breaths the next thing I knew I was awake getting rolled into the post-op area. I was in and out for about 40 minutes after the surgery (it takes me forever to wake from that stuff!), and telling this really nice male nurse that I was going to barf. Sure enough, I threw up. Poor guy. (Seriously, nurses are amazing!) I forget his name but he totally deserves a raise! Dallan came back to get me after I was more lucid. It was another 30 minutes after that when we were finally discharged. 

The rest of the day I was to rest and take the pain killers if I was in pain (which I didn't take any pain killers! Go me!). But....I get antsy if I sit too long, so later that afternoon I made Dallan take me grocery shopping so that I could make mashed potatoes. New flash, you're not supposed to cook until 24 hours after having been under anesthesia. Oops! I didn't drive though!  

 I was pretty crampy. was bleeding and it hurt like HELL to pee for a day because of the catheter. That's what hurt the most that day. I would bite down on my shirt when I had to pee so I wouldn't yell too loud...  The doctor and nurses told me that I will only bleed for about 2 weeks or so but it just depends on the person. Well, because I'm apparently an anomaly statistically, I bled for over a month.  I was on strict pelvic rest for 4 weeks so I couldn't exercise or anything. It was even a stretch for me to go to the cabin with my Brother in law when he came to visit.. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have gone... I was so sore after that trip. 

I finally started feeling like myself again physically in early September. This miscarriage was by far more traumatic and draining then my first one. So much waiting and anticipation. It was all to much to handle. I learned so much about myself and my marriage going through this. It's amazing how each pregnancy can be so vastly different. 

For those who made it through this post, I applaud you. It's a bit gory and graphic, but it's real. This is life. Unpredictable, and totally in God's hands. 

When It Rains, It Pours

My life isn't all rainbows and unicorns from what you see on this blog, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I only like to post the positive things happening but you know what, life is life and real shiz can happen.

I've been leaning on other bloggers the last few days that have gone through the same thing. Not to make me feel better, because what happened is tragic. But to make me feel not alone.

I'm nervous to share because it's personal but I want to help others in anyway possible like other bloggers have helped me. This is a pain that can make you feel so alone and I'm grateful to have my husband to grieve with me but others may literally be alone in this... I'm not looking for attention, this is not the attention I want. But there was a life inside of me that passed away and I have every right to mourn and miss my unborn child.

2/17/2015: I'm Pregnant!!! I just found out about 40 minutes ago.

 To preface..... I took a test on Valentine's Day. The day I was expected to start. ClearBlue said it would be 99% accurate so I gave it a shot. It came back negative. I was pretty crushed... So then I had one last hope I would be late. So I was late one day, then turned to two and then turned to four days late! I was still in denial that I was late due to stress and blah blah... but yesterday I woke up super nauseated and gagging over the toilet the majority of the day. I had D give me a blessing that the nausea would go away that night so I would be able to sleep and it literally went away as he was giving the blessing. It was amazing!

I woke up still not nauseous but decided to go to Walgreens even though it was a "snow day" here in VA (6 inches of snow) and got a couple more tests. I didn't take the test as soon as we got back because I didn't have to pee. So I waited a couple hours and decided to take the test. I set it on the counter and told D he can watch it but I wasn't going to.

So I went back to the couch and watch "Let's Make A Deal" and a few minutes later I hear a "WooHOOO! Jordan, Jordan!" I said, "what? Are you serious? You're joking?!" And then I started to cry. Happy tears of course! I'm still in shock. And probably will be for a while...

That's what y'all would've read in May, along with a cute video of reactions and some photos, when we would finally announce my pregnancy to the world. 

But now my world has been turned upside down yet again. I have miscarried. Our baby died.

6 weeks along and we had already loved our baby like we never knew was possible. All the excitement and talk and wondering about our tiny little human. The start of our family is now gone. To say we are sad is the understatement of the year. We are crushed and extremely heartbroken.

We felt so lucky and incredibly thankful to get pregnant so fast as soon as we start "trying."

We called our immediate family and friends and told them the exciting news but also swore them to secrecy just in case THIS happened...

It started on Wednesday. I didn't have work until later that day but something just felt off. I don't know if it was "Mother's Intuition" but I just didn't "feel" pregnant like I had before. My breasts were still sore and all that but I just knew something was off.

Later that night I thought I had started spotting but I wasn't 100% sure.

The next day I confirmed spotting. Google became my best friend and everyone said spotting is normal. But on Friday it started getting worse. False hope is the devil. I didn't want to think about the fact I could be losing this baby.

Saturday is when my world fell apart. I was having extremely achy pains in my lower back and pelvic area all day. Later in the after noon, IT happened. D came into the bathroom and saw what I saw and we both started sobbing. It was the worst emotional pain I've experienced in my entire life. Our baby died. There was no need to call the doctor or anything. We just knew. The rest of the day I don't really remember except for staring at nothing and crying on and off.

As soon as we had confirmed it a miscarriage, I deleted all my apps and "bump" photos. Deleted my secret pinterest boards and anything baby. I've tried to stay away from social media because anything baby that comes up on my newsfeed, my stomach turns.

I finally felt like my life purpose was being fulfilled. I don't have a specific college degree. I don't have a career field. I want my career to be a mommy and that has been taken away from me right now. It's a struggle to put into words the defeat I'm feeling.

Dealing with my parents separation, then divorce, then my dad's fast engagement and marriage soon after the divorce, and now this miscarriage... it's all way to much to handle. Oh, I also have to put my dog down when I get back to Alaska next month. When it rains... it really does pour.

It's only been a few days and I hate to say I'm starting to feel "better" because I'm not better. I'm just going through the motions, a bit zombie like. 

 I'm always going to be wondering what if. In a few weeks I know I'll be thinking, I would've been this many weeks today. When October rolls around, I know I'll be thinking, I would've been having a baby this month. It'll bring back a whole new wave of emotions and pain. I just have to take it one step at a time.

Our family and friends have been really supportive and comforting but nothing can take the pain away.

If the past 2 years of grief and pain has taught me anything, is that I'm one hell of a strong woman.

I'm trying my best to trust in God and trust that He knows what I can handle. I'm thankful I have such a wonderful marriage and a loving husband to grieve with and go through these trials with.

I know I will be okay someday, just not right now.